Why pain doesn’t need to teach you anything - Big Think

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Why pain doesn’t need to teach you anything

A woman with long dark hair, wearing a yellow blazer and gold necklace, looks towards the camera with a neutral expression against a plain light background.

American culture demands that pain be productive.

Historian Kate Bowler explores how the obsession with finding meaning in suffering turns into what she calls “purpose monsters”: the need to make every loss, failure, or tragedy count for something. But not everything happens for a reason. And not all pain is a lesson.

Bowler argues that grief deserves the dignity of honesty, not reframing. Instead of rearranging the past to find meaning, she suggests asking a different question: What’s left? And what might still be beautiful?

KATE BOWLER: American culture in particular is obsessed with the idea that all pain has to be a lesson.

Purpose has become this cultural mania in which everyone needs to be doing something for a special reason. I call the obsession with purpose and its aftermath "the creation of purpose monsters." Purpose monsters are everywhere. Is this gonna work out? Is any of this a divine conspiracy to make me good?

We are itchy when we hear an unanswered question like that because it goes right to our material conditions, right to our fear, right to our ontological insecurity.

I think the idea that all pain has to teach us something is because spiritually we want an answer to the mystery. The mystery is, "why do bad things happen to good people?" We need an explanation for evil. And in the face of seeing anyone in pain, we want to be able to say, "I know why." But just because there's not a reason doesn't mean it's not meaningful.

Allowing ourselves the preciousness of the dignity of grief is both good and necessary. Beause when someone's telling you there's a lesson, it's as if they're saying, "I swear you didn't lose anything. Look around. It's all there." But we know in our hearts we're being lied to.

It's almost like that question just causes us to endlessly be looking backwards and, like, trying to rearrange the furniture of our past, when really we need a second to just say, "Alright, the floods came. What's left here for me to make something beautiful?"

American culture demands that pain be productive.

Historian Kate Bowler explores how the obsession with finding meaning in suffering turns into what she calls “purpose monsters”: the need to make every loss, failure, or tragedy count for something. But not everything happens for a reason. And not all pain is a lesson.

Bowler argues that grief deserves the dignity of honesty, not reframing. Instead of rearranging the past to find meaning, she suggests asking a different question: What’s left? And what might still be beautiful?

KATE BOWLER: American culture in particular is obsessed with the idea that all pain has to be a lesson.

Purpose has become this cultural mania in which everyone needs to be doing something for a special reason. I call the obsession with purpose and its aftermath "the creation of purpose monsters." Purpose monsters are everywhere. Is this gonna work out? Is any of this a divine conspiracy to make me good?

We are itchy when we hear an unanswered question like that because it goes right to our material conditions, right to our fear, right to our ontological insecurity.

I think the idea that all pain has to teach us something is because spiritually we want an answer to the mystery. The mystery is, "why do bad things happen to good people?" We need an explanation for evil. And in the face of seeing anyone in pain, we want to be able to say, "I know why." But just because there's not a reason doesn't mean it's not meaningful.

Allowing ourselves the preciousness of the dignity of grief is both good and necessary. Beause when someone's telling you there's a lesson, it's as if they're saying, "I swear you didn't lose anything. Look around. It's all there." But we know in our hearts we're being lied to.

It's almost like that question just causes us to endlessly be looking backwards and, like, trying to rearrange the furniture of our past, when really we need a second to just say, "Alright, the floods came. What's left here for me to make something beautiful?"

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